Tuesday, 22 November 2016
Guilty Feelings and Paranoia
When I'm not depressed, and more rational, I can put it all into perspective and realise that my feelings are unfounded...but it takes a while for it to fall into place. I'm not sure those who don't suffer these feelings will understand what I'm saying, but those who do will get it, I'm sure.
These thoughts came to the surface again during the last few days.
Kaya had to sell our car. Financially it was a drain on resources, particularly as he has been out of work for a while. It also meant that he could attempt to start up a small business with the proceeds so at least he would have something positive to focus on. This is all underway and we are hopeful that it will get off the ground in the not too distant future. He gave me some money from the proceeds, which, along with a gift from a friend, enabled me to book two nights away in Izmir next week with a friend. Something we have talked about for a while, but which I wasn't sure I could afford. So now I was in a position to go ahead.
Then come the feelings of guilt, because at the same time I realised that I would soon have to ask for help again with funding for the animals we care for....our 12 rescues and the others in the village and at the sanayi. So I naturally feel that I shouldn't be wasting money on a trip but should be using the money for the dogs and cats instead.
I actually wrote a post for my Facebook page to ask for help, but then didn't post it...because I felt guilty.
At the same time, something cropped up about people who operate scams connected with animal welfare. They raise huge amounts of money which apparently lines their pockets rather than benefit animals in need. This can have a bad effect on the genuine rescuers, because naturally people are wary and are reluctant to donate if they feel that they are being scammed.
So I then start to wonder if those who help me with my work, may think the same about me. This is what paranoia does. Hence, no post on Facebook. I had a good response in October, and I was so grateful as it enabled me to stock up with food, medication, flea collars, and also to clear vet bills. But so far have received just one gift during November, so funds are starting to run low.
I did discuss these feelings with a close friend today, and she told me that my planned trip and the work I do with animals are two separate things. She also suggested that I write about it. So here it is. I'm not sure if it helps me, and part of me still feels I should cancel my trip because the animals come first, but maybe when I'm in a better frame of mind, I'll look at it differently.
This post wasn't easy to write. It makes me feel vulnerable. However, I have an overwhelming need to be honest. I will only post it on my group page because some of it may help others genuinely involved in animal welfare and rescue. They may also think that they could be tarred with the same brush as scammers. The genuine ones that I have come to know, will, like me, just keep going regardless.